AFL Goes In To Bat For ‘Hair Colour-Challenged’ Participants

The AFL has today released a new policy in a bid to reduce the on-field attention received by the players in the league with what they call, ‘unfortunately shaded hairstyles’. We have the full press release below.

All AFL Players will undergo formal training each season about the long term effects of jokes about the hair colour of the league’s red-headed players under the league’s new anti-hair-vilification policy.

The league has confirmed that following a number of complaints from players sporting unfortunately shaded hairstyles, new procedures will be put in place to ensure they don’t lose the carrot-topped talent to more forgiving codes like Rugby Union.

The new policy came from approaches by players, officials and even umpires who protested about the levels of abuse and ridicule they receive due to their ‘bloodnuts’ - with many having no other option but to stick with their natural firey locks. All players, from draftees to the game’s top stars, will undergo compulsory education to ensure they do not breach the heavy penalties that will be handed out to those who use a participant’s firey red do as a feature of sledging or general vilification.

Under the new rules, players may be suspended for using many terms which are becoming increasingly common in today’s players’ vocabularies, such as ‘Tommy Sauce’, ‘Big Sauce’, and the simple ‘Saucehead’. First offences will most likely receive a reprimand, however suspensions will be placed on the unforgiving types that repeatedly offend.

The new policy has received great praise from the leader of the sauceheads, young Melbourne backman Kyle ‘Lego Sauce’ Cheney. Cheney is a rare case who is not only struck down by rosey red locks against a pale complexion, but his ‘do’ has drawn comparisons with the infamous Lego ‘Clip-on’ variety.

“Trying to break into a predominantly brown- and blonde-haired industry has always been tough, but the recent awareness of derogatory terms for our kind has made things just that much harder. As a young player trying to make my mark, it isn’t fair that I should get blindsided by a ‘BIG SAUCE’ from my direct opponent - my form has taken a direct drop and I have spent a number of weeks in the VFL as a result.”

“I see it as my duty to try and clear the way for the young bloodnuts coming through to be able to get on and just play footy, and not have to put up with the other stuff we seem to get stuck with.”

Vice President Daniel Merrett has conducted his own personal research which linked the saucy remarks to higher rates of alienation, frustration, and even destruction to both hair quality and bank balances from overuse of bleach and hair dye.

“Fair dinkum, it’s really got out of control of late. Early in my career, I was only susceptible to the odd ‘Bluey’ as players back in the day just didn’t have the imagination, or the ammunition that the media and fans now seem to possess. I’ve built up quite the thick skin but even now the term ‘Saucehead’ can really eat away at me. I’m rapt that the AFL has stepped in or we might have seen a lot of the promising youngsters shy away from the limelight - let alone direct sunlight.”

DHF personality Stewart Brown also jumped out of the closet to applaud the new rules.

“In my media role I was always worried that this part of my life could come under the spotlight, but thankfully in the past it was always something that was only talked about behind closed doors. However, the recent focus on those of Lobster shade meant my part-time sauce head and beard was not immune to some not so-fun hearted ribbing, and the irreparable damage it has caused in my soul has definitely affected my work output. The AFL has taken the right step here before the code was overrun by these Bloodnut-phobes.”

A very hard-hitting policy no doubt, but will the training have the desired effect?

An unnamed player spoke to us after commencing the training on Monday, and had this to say:

“They did teach us a lot about what not to say, and how we should be treating our Jim Courier-like opponents. We did learn that it is OK to take the piss out of a Big Sauce Head provided you shook their hand at the end of the game and had a quiet beer with them. Currently, we tend to not speak to any of them and they aren’t allowed their own spot in the change room, so in that instance we should refrain from focusing on how bright and firey their hair is. I think the AFL is doing a good job all in all - it’s no doubt a touchy subject for the bloodnuts.”

So the AFL’s policy appears to be having a positive effect on the league so far, but this fight is much bigger than just a few beers and a spot in the rooms. Time will tell if the policy will bring the desired result.

So what do you think of the new policy? Overkill? Or justified? Leave us a comment!

And if you’re wondering what brought all this on … check out this.