I Don’t Want To Watch Soccer - Heffernan’s Spray

Sit down and watch a game of soccer (not football, soccer - but that’s a whole other argument) between an AFL fan and a soccer nut, and you’re in for a treat.

Before long, you’ll find someone taking a dive, and the AFL fan will start throwing in little digs to his mate about ‘how weak these soccer boys are’. The soccer fan generally has no comeback. As the game rolls on, you’ll see all sorts of overreacting, diving, and just general falling over - especially in the penalty area - and the AFL fan will have a field day getting in the ear of the soccer nut, having more success than Josh Carr did with Jared Brennan. With a bit of luck, someone will cop a nick on the knee and go down like they’ve been shot, and you may have to cover your ears to drown out the deafening roar of laughter coming from the AFL faithful.

While the soccer nut will stick up for his own game - he’ll call it football, he’ll say it’s more skillful, good on him - he won’t have any answer for the shameless attempts to con the umps, let alone be able to explain why players can go off on a stretcher in a near body bag, but be ready to line up for a corner just minutes later.

All the diving, acting, and playing for the free kick is without doubt the greatest blight on the game of soccer, yet don’t think the AFL is totally immune. It’s gathering momentum at a rapid rate.

If there’s one thing that really riles up the masses of fans week after week, it’s seeing a player take a dive around goal, get rewarded, and slot it through. The push in the back used to be a big winner for a full forward who lead under the ball - being out of position meant a dive was their only way to try and win possession and a shot at a sausage roll. The umps usually had a decent handle on that though, despite what you may think with the new hands in the back rule brought in to make things easier for them (but again, a whole other argument).

Side note - if you heard Matty Lloyd’s commentary on Saturday for Channel 10, you’d have to agree he did a pretty good job for someone still playing and therefore in a pretty awful position to call things as he sees it. I’m sure you also would have had a great chuckle at his comments regarding one of the players taking a dive for a free kick - the irony was brilliant.

When playing for a free kick becomes an art form though, something has to be done. Try these ’signature moves’ on for size and tell me players are not working on the best way to get a free use of the prune…

• The ‘Chappy Knee Buckle’. Perfected by nuggety bald man Paul Chapman, especially around goals in a big flood situation. Chappy has mastered the art of letting his knees ‘buckle’, causing him to fall quickly to his knees, and he times it just as he’s about to be tackled … which surprise, often brings about a high tackle, and results in a goal. Good play, or not in the spirit of the game?
• The ‘Flop Forward’. No, I’m not talking about Bill Lawry’s child head trying to cope with his oversized nose, nor am I talking about the sensation you get when you’re about to nod off in the middle of a presentation. I’m talking about the tactic of falling directly forward when you feel the contact of a tackle. Players these days have more to worry about than falling into your back in a tackle - they have to make sure you don’t pull them onto your back as you dive face forward into the turf. Simply, it works - but who likes to see it?
• ‘Wild Whiplash’. Another manoeuvre that isn’t brand new, but it’s definitely gaining in popularity. One of the favourites of the U/18s if the recent carnival is anything to go by. Pulling off the whiplash technique involves throwing your head back wildly like you’ve just run head first into a parked car Micky Gardiner style. It’s best used when you get hit with a hard tackle around the biceps, but the speed and ferocity of the tackle, combined with your attempt to fling your head over your back, can con even the best whistle blower.
• ‘Ducking The Head, Stage 2′. Ducking the head is the oldest one in the book, and rule makers were all over it, throwing an exception into the high tackle rule to distract players from trying it on. The recent focus on protecting the head has brought this ploy back, but taken it to a whole new level. Some players go with the ‘Stevie Baker headbutt’, which involves headbutting your opponent’s shins with the ball on the turf. Others prefer to take the ‘Gus More Fries’ approach of simply falling to the ground in traffic and hoping to cop an errant tackle to the scone.

Now with the umpiring standards becoming much more lenient in recent weeks, playing for a free kick isn’t quite as rewarding as it was earlier in the year when you only had to breathe down someone’s back for them to get a free shot at goal. But is there another step we can take to stamp it out more?

Soccer pings the divers with yellow cards. That’s not the right path for AFL. It’s hard enough these days for the umpires to work out what the right decisions are, let alone being sure enough that a player is taking a dive.

Is the answer a big fat fine from the Match Review Panel? They go through every game already - why not take a closer look at players trying to con the umps. Why not ping someone a grand when he gets tackled around the midriff and flings his head back in a ridiculous manner? No need to go looking for stuff, but for the really obvious ones that make us all cringe, hit them in the pocket. Do us all a favour and stamp it out.

Because I for one never want to cop an earful from a soccer nut when a game is decided by a bad dose of ‘whiplash’.